THE SWEET GIRLS GUIDE

If you have been victimized in a past relationship, it is not a smart idea to let the next guy know. He is likely to believe that if you accepted abuse from another man you will accept it from him too.

"But I didn't accept it! He knows I left that other guy!"

So what? You put up with it a long time didn't you? He's sure you'll put up with him a long time too.  If you didn't walk out the VERY FIRST TIME it happened, don't tell him.

If he knows you were cheated on, he'll think you're the kind of woman he can cheat on. If he knows you were hit, he'll think you're the kind of woman he can hit.

If you've ever wondered how some women repeat the same abusive patterns over and over this is how. Half of it is picking the same kind of man. The other half is telling that man your history, so he can repeat it.

"What if I was abused by my parents?" It's a story for your therapist, not him. Do not advertise yourself as a victim.

Here's where women go wrong:

We make ourselves vulnerable in a relationship. We do this because we are putting him to the test.  We go from man, to man, to man, hoping to find the one who won't take advantage of our vulnerability, and who will instead cherish and protect us.

Please understand every man will fail. Save yourself the disappointment.

At some point you will have to realize no man is going to protect you, you must protect yourself. I know this part hurts. The fantasy must die.

But by letting go of the fantasy you can have a reality far greater and more empowering than you ever imagined. The thrill of having most any man at your feet, and being spoiled and pampered like a princess!

If there was a specific hurtful name, or hurtful accusation, do not confide it in him. He will try to use this information against you in later arguments. Give him a hot button, and he will push it.

Examples: 

If he knows you were called "lazy" he may quit his job so you can support him by working two. When you protest, he will counter by saying you're "being lazy."

If you were called "stupid" he may ask you to write his doctoral thesis. When you protest, he will counter by saying it's because you're "too stupid."

He wants you to think "Oh no! What my parents were right about me? I have to prove them wrong, so I'll do what he says."

Sound crazy? These are both real life examples. No kidding.

A good rule of thumb is, if it's an experience you don't want to repeat, don't let him know it ever happened.

Let him believe you have always been accustomed to the princess treatment and that anything less would be a total shock.

Tell him if a man ever [hit you/cheated on you/made you support him] you would pack your bags and walk out the same day.

"I can't believe how stupid some women are, they really believe the man is going to change! You'd never catch me in a relationship like that!"

The ultimate kiss of death

Never, ever, ever, tell a man you cannot, or will not, leave him.

If you've ever wondered how so many women end up in the domestic violence crisis center, this is how. By telling a man he has you locked down, you've given him permission to abuse you.

As women, we often say romantic phrases to him because we want to hear him say it in return.

What you say:

"I'll love you no matter what you do."
"I'll never leave you"                
"I'm yours always and forever" 
"I'll stick by your side, thick or thin"      
"I couldn't make it without you"         
"A divorce would ruin me"             
"I can't afford to go it alone"       
"I can't leave you"                   

What he hears: "Treat me how you like."

A little light goes off in his head: "Oh, that's what I wanted to do anyway."

At best he will put his feet up and take you for granted. At worst he'll stay out all night and drink, beat you and the children, and bring his mistress under the same roof.

Let him know psychologically or financially unable to walk out, and the level of good treatment will drop through the floor.

If he asks you for assurances of loyalty and fidelity, give them...but always add that you would not stick around for any abuse or mistreatment.

For example: "I'll stay with you as long as you keep treating me good."

RED FLAGS

WHAT HE REALLY MEANS:

"I want us to keep our relationship private." =  "I want other women to think I'm still available."

Men can come up with a whole host of very legitimate sounding reasons why they don't want anyone to know they're sleeping with you. Usually it involves disapproval from a boss, family member, or friend.

In truth there is only one thing it can mean. He's still out chasing other women, and doesn't want word to get out that he's officially "Off the market."

He may already have his eye on someone, or have another girlfriend, or he may just not want to close off his options, in case something better comes along.

"I'm confused." = "There's another girl."

The only thing he's confused about is which one of you to choose. So, he's just going to flit back and forth flower to flower like a busy bee until he makes up his mind.

I've seen this be true in cases where I though it was impossible.

When a friend's devoted boyfriend told her he was "confused," I thought there might be a hole in my theory.

He gave every appearance of being deeply in love. But less than a week later, she found out he was indeed sleeping with another girl.

And as a kicker, he told the other girl "He wanted to keep the relationship private," due to imaginary friends who wouldn't approve.

She had no idea he had a girlfriend - and he didn't want her to find out. That's why he wanted things kept so "private."

Ever heard (or said) this one?

"Why won't he DO Something??? I've given him all the time and space he needs, I've explained it to him 100 times! He says he understands but he still won't DO it!" *sniff*

Don't ever tell a man you're going to wait for him.

This includes: Wait for him to marry you, wait for him to make up his mind, wait for him to come back to you, wait for him to get his life straight, wait for him to do something, wait until he's ready to take the next step in the relationship, or wait for him to fix a problem in the relationship.

What you say: "I'll wait."
What he thinks: "I don't have to change yet; there's still time."

Result? He won't even take the first step towards doing what needs to be done.